Sex is still a taboo topic. In many parts of the world, talking or thinking about it makes you a social and moral abomination. Stifling or silencing that part of us is a prime virtue. Some of us take the risk of being called outcasts and try to learn what we can on our own. As it is often a controversial part of school syllabus in the west.
If you grew up in the 90s or later, some well-meaning health educator who showed you how to put a condom on a banana, or maybe you got a clinical sex education film or slideshow in science class .
Starting at around age 15, I got my sex education through lurking in bookstores after school.
It didn’t take me too long to learn about all the different things human bodies were capable of or about the pregnancies or STDs that could result. In retrospect, though, all of this discovery was missing the biggest piece. Some things that took me through a journey of pleasure, pain, guilt and embarrassment to know.
So, what’s the great thing about sex that I learned on my own?
Some things I wish I knew before I knew all that I do now really.
1. Physicality is only the tip of the iceberg!
It can and will feel totally different with different people—and with the same person at different times—even if the mechanics involved are exactly the same. Sex is a wonderful, challenging mystery.
2. Passion is not love.
It’s worthwhile to see if
we can love the person with whom we have great sex—or improve the sex we have with the person we love—but it’s important not to confuse the two. That’s why we can have great sex with someone we don’t love and lousy sex with someone we do love.
3. You are more than your body.
we have sex within a relationship, our sexual pleasure will be deeply impacted by the level of trust, safety, and connection we feel. If sex starts fading in a relationship, we should not just try some new tricks; instead, we should look more deeply into what may be getting in the way.
4. “Great sex” is too generic a term.
“Great” can mean sweet, slow, gentle, deeply connected lovemaking or it can mean tear-each-other’s-clothes-off hot . It can mean a five-minute quickie or several hours spent luxuriously exploring each other’s bodies without ever even touching the genitals.
5. Great or bad sex happens all the time.
we have “bad” sex with someone with whom the sex has previously been good, no need to panic! Instead, we should get curious. What’s changed, inside ourselves, inside them, in the relationship? It can happen with men and it can happen with women. It can happen with people we love and with people we don’t.
Remember: The only true education is through self-education
6. It is an incredible vehicle for self-discovery.
Awareness is key. Noticing what
we do automatically—and what we don’t let ourselves do, even when we really want to—can open doorways into major growth and healing, if we let it.
7. Fantasies are part of self education.
We should not assume we want to act out our fantasies (and we should not assume we don’t.) Sometimes we fantasize about what we really want and then sometimes our fantasies are a way to try to process old trauma or help us bear something difficult by eroticizing it. Instead, we should let our fantasies be question marks for ourselves and potential teachers.
8. Don’t fuss about pleasing your partner.
we can stay in our own body and we’re our own experience, it’ll make sex hotter and deeper for us and our partners.
9. If you’re not enjoying it, stop!
Faking it is a way of raping
ourselves! Don’t fake it. Instead, we take the risk to tell our partner gently that we need to take a break—even if we’re not sure why. This may sound like a radical step, but it can open up much deeper possibilities for intimacy.
10. It changes over time.
Let it change! Every day,we should cultivate an attitude of exploration, interested curiosity and discovery about what sex is for
us today. That’s because it’s alive and everything living changes over time.
True sex education can only happen when
we become willing to educate ourselves about the astounding, quirky, unusual, passionate, timid, bold, demure, daring being we really are. May it be a magnificent process of self-exploration, self-acceptance, and self-love!